duck-shaped pain


Where I Ponder "Tater"

Easy, cheap. Take two onions (white works the best, color-wise, but any onion you have laying around will do), slice them thinly. Heat up a big heavy skillet over medium-high heat, melt 2-3 tablespoons of butter. Place the sliced onions in the skillet, cook and stir until slightly soft. Add a bit of salt, a lot of black pepper and a teaspoon or so of brown sugar. Turn heat to low, cook onions for 45 minutes or so until caramelized. Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. When the onions are cooked, add ¼ cup of chopped parsley, a chopped garlic clove (other herbs may be added if you have them – rosemary is good, too). Continue cooking onions on low and add about ½ lb. of spaghetti or other long, spindly pasta of your choice to water. Just before the pasta is finished, add 1/3 cup half and half (or milk if it's all you have, though you might want to increase the amount a bit) to the onion mixture. Increase heat a tad, simmer until thick. Add to cooked pasta. Eat.

Because I had nothing else to do for that particular 15 minutes of my life, I watched bull riding on TV earlier this evening. I was transfixed – but only because one of the bull riders was named "Tater".

Back when I worked at the photography company in Oregon, I had a chance to see what contemporary America names its children. One of my jobs was to type in name captions for school and sports team photos. Most names were unexceptional, some were great, and an odd few were completely unbelievable.

I kept a list when I worked there of my favorite bad names. Here are some of them and believe me, these are real first names. I could not make them up.

  • Jeese!

  • Tatoe!

  • Dejah!

  • Birdie Wermey (first and middle names)

  • Bubba and Slade (twins!)

and, my favorite…

  • Wedge!

These are slightly more interesting than the endless Crimes Against Spelling that I encountered on a daily basis: Kloe, Qwyncee, Aeby, Chelsii, Bree'Anna, Emiley, K'Endyll, etc. There should be an Extra E or I tax.

I also tried to keep track of disturbing team names, but there was only one that was ever worth writing down – the wrestling team known as GOD'S PACKERS. It's best that you don't analyze that one too much.

Something that cracks me up for no reason at all, every time I see it: people holding chicken drumsticks upright in their fists as if they were popsicles.

[1] We've all done it, you know.

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