duck-shaped pain

I'm sort of neutral on whether or not going back would be a good thing. On one hand, working means money and something to do. I'm not opposed to working at all. On the other hand, going back means going back to the same old shit that was going on when I left. From what I've heard, the project that was going on when I left is still going on, still at the same point, as if the entire place froze in time when I walked out the door last and is waiting for my return to free it from its icy grave. I think about the things that annoyed me while I was there -- the way in which nothing ever seemed to get done; my quasi-legal subcontractor status; the way any interesting tasks seemed to mysteriously vanish from my job responsibilities, only to be replaced by things such as answering the phone; [1] the stupid bitch that works there now -- and all sorts of free-floating anxieties that have been powerless the last seven weeks or so come rushing back. Ulcers start re-forming. The thought that nothing has changed since I've been gone makes me angry, sort of, on a low level, but what did I expect?

I guess what I'm getting at here is that going back to work in the generic sense would be fine, but going back to this particular job is not appealing. I've thought about finding a new job, but the fact that school starts fairly soon puts sort of a kink in any job hunt I might embark on. I have no idea how busy this upcoming semester is going to really be (I'm taking more hours than in any previous semester I've been enrolled in, but number of hours and workload don't always correlate) so I don't want to really commit to a new job until I know that. And work seems to be pretty scarce here at the moment -- I didn't even notice any real retail hiring this season, whereas in previous years, Help Wanted signs were everywhere.

I'm planning on making a decision through not making a decision. If The Employer wants me to do anything between now and when school starts, I'll do it. If not, I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe when school starts I can get some dumb campus job, one where they don't expect me to know how to do anything, let alone solve all their problems.

So I've been trying acting like this week is going to be my last week, but accepting that it might not be. It works sometimes, but it also doesn't.

But itt feels weird not to travel, not to have plans, not to have anything to anticipate (not at least until the week of Christmas and New Year's, which I'll be spending in Denver with my mom and then H. of Chicago fame, respectively). Planning daily expeditions to the thrift store and then possibly the bagel shop doesn't bring the same thrill.

Because You Asked

Don't say I never listen to my readers. People keep asking me questions, and I try to provide at least some of the answers�.

• No, I have not read A Confederacy of Dunces. I tried once, and failed. My mom liked it, though.

• Palookaville is indeed a comic book. A good one, at that. I have never seen the movie of the same name, although I do enjoy some Calvino now and then.

• Yes, I have a wish list.

• You can indeed use spinach instead of kale in this week's soup. Any green should be interchangeable for the kale. Remember, though, that kale seems to go extraordinarily well with sausage -- it's a pretty assertive green and can hold its own to the spiciness of the meat. If you do use spinach, add a bit more than you would if using kale, because it will wilt more than the kale will.

[1] Said tasks would reappear months later, when I would stumble across others doing them instead.

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