duck-shaped pain

1. I'm not smart enough to get in or do well there. I'll get accepted only by a miracle or data-entry error, and when I get there, I'll find out that I'm actually an idiot, and that none of my ideas are original or good (or, the parts of them that are good are not original, and the original parts are not good, or something like that).

2. I won't get in because I am coming from a tiny school no one has heard of, even though the history department here is pretty great. People looking at my applications will think, "What, is this a correspondence school of some sort?" and throw them away with much gusto and exaggerated gestures, such will be their disgust.

3. I won't get in because of my grades. The 3.92 GPA I have at my current school (over 95 credit hours) will not be enough to counteract the three or four crappy grades I got at a different, and much crappier school I went to six years ago. They're all looking for reasons not to let me in, and that's the one they'll pick.

4. I have a career of sorts already -- what am I thinking? I'll get into graduate school, hate it, and then try to get back into my pseudo-career in technical writing and I won't get any jobs because I was out of it for a few years, and then I'd have to punch somebody.

5. I'll get in and do pretty good at the start, and then I'll get burnt out and bitter, drop out, and end up working in the mall, swearing under my breath at the customers.

6. I'll only get into the crappiest program I apply for.

7. I'll get into the best program I apply for, but get no funding, and therefore, I'll have to take out loans, and I will continually hate myself, due to my fear of debt.

8. I'll get into the best program I apply for, get fully funded, and then I'll get hit by a car the next day.

9. I'll get in, but won't be able to navigate the politics of my department, or I'll get stuck with a really nasty advisor, and then I'll be disheartened, bitter, and frustrated and just as I decide to get off my duff and do something about it, I'll get hit by a car.

[1] Not that I'm applying right now -- that won't start until next fall, but I am, however, writing personal statements for scholarship applications, where I try to map out some sort of plan for my future, and come up with reasons why I should get my last year of undergrad completely paid for. All personal statements, no matter what the occasion, inspire the same sort of Bad Feeling in me.

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