duck-shaped pain

Going through my stuff has brought to my attention things I didn't even know I had, as you may well know already. My first impulse is to hide some of it. Then I realize that it doesn't do anyone any good for me to be greedy -- I should share with the group.

So this is the first in what I hope to be a regular feature: [1] interesting selections from my pile of useless crap. [2]

Frightening, Well-Pelted Men. Sweaters You Wouldn't Feed To Your Least Favorite Goat. Together. At Last.

One of the things I occasionally pick up if I see one of interest is knitting brochures. I'm sure there's a technical name for these, but they're the booklets that contain knitting patterns and pictures of what the finished projects would look alike in an ideal world.

You can get them for all sorts of things, but I like the ones for sweaters, because the people in them look so goofy. Trying to look like they're having fun being all jaunty-ass in these sweaters no one in their right mind would make.

There's one in my collection that is particularly special. It came into my possession via a free box at a yard sale last year. It's titled Chest-Man-Ship and it portrays rugged, hairy men standing alone, depending on no one, mastering their elements while wearing the ugliest 1970s sweaters known to man. Not just sweaters -- tank tops, too. Hand-knit tank tops. With stripes. And, to top it all off -- a sexy hand-knit bathrobe.

I have evidence:

(click on the pictures for a bigger, scarier version)

Who the hell wouldn't want that vest? Stare at it too closely, and your head will feel light as your eyes begin to strobe. And that scarf � swingin'. If there's a secret message being communicated by that scarf, I'm sure everyone who understands it has already fled for the hills.

Ah. Alone in the grass. Just me and my sweater, which I fashioned out of sheep I killed with my bare hands. I fashioned this hair, too, out of a raccoon and a discarded Hefty bag. You like? This guy robbed the previous guy and stole his scarf.

Oh yes! That tank top! That belt! That necklace! Those�..those white pants! Someone is very confident in his masculinity. Or he's been on the mighty seas too long, visiting distant islands where the natives belt their tank tops.

Ah. Relaxing on the shore. Somehow, this hand-knit robe looks like it's about as absorbent as a steel rod. But, when you're White Pants Man and you're taking it easy, absorbency is the furthest thing from your mind.

[1] I.e., appears more than once.

[2] However, I am a mere amateur when it comes to the accumulation of frightening cultural detritus. Others are much more skilled in this department than I. I am just an appetizer -- others are a full $5 Las Vegas casino buffet.

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