duck-shaped pain

Today I got back my women's history final, which in my mind was shapeless and original, and I got a 50 out of 50 on it (and an A in the class). My professor wrote many, many comments on it, essentially saying that it was a graduate-level paper (and a good one at that) and thanking me for taking her class. I don't think I've ever been thanked for that before. I also got my paper about early Christianity back. The anxiety I felt over this paper has been carving out a black, angry spot in my gut ever since I handed it in two weeks ago. I actually went to the professor yesterday and asked about it. He hadn't graded mine yet, but said the ones that he had read so far were just "okay." Okay? Like the 70 percent sort of okay; or the 92 percent sort? I was unsure. Anyway, I ended up getting a 96, which means I'll probably get an A in the class, given that I feel relatively confident about the essay exam I took in it today.

I almost cried after I got these two papers back, within ten minutes of each other. All this semester, I've felt like a complete failure. I've really struggled with the work that I've had to do and felt that what I've managed to write was sort of half-assed. Plus, there have been all the anxieties over my job and a bunch of family crap going on that I haven't felt like writing about, and it all adds up to me being completely tense and self-conscious and unable to sleep for the last two months. So to get these grades after all the effort I've put into them despite what's been going on is really sort of indescribable. Usually, I don't have to work really hard at school, except in an odd class or two, but this semester has required almost unceasing effort, and I'm glad it seems to be paying off.

I'll know tomorrow or Friday how I did on the rest of my exams and what my final grades in all my classes are, but I'm happy enough right now that I'm not even worried about them. Good news, for once!

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