duck-shaped pain

It's okay if you go get Thai food tonight. Really.

That sounds pathetic -- and it is. I had a tremendous craving for good Thai food all morning. Since good Thai food is completely unavailable in this area, I have now decided to crave mediocre Thai food. Later tonight, if I don't just give in and go out to eat, it might turn into a vaguely defined cilantro and lime obsession. I might toddle off to the grocery store at midnight in a craze, secretly fondling/licking/molesting limes in the produce section.

It wouldn't be so difficult if I weren't devoting myself quite so wholeheartedly to saving money. I need to move, and to do that, I need money. So I've been trying to cut out all sorts of spending -- books, clothes, thrift store crap, niceties like that. And -- horror of horrors -- I've been doing as much stuff at work as I possibly can, just to get in the extra hours.

I had money saved up, until I broke my leg without the benefit of health insurance. That sort of wiped me out, and I'm just now to the point financially that I was four months ago -- nice, considering I've only officially been back at work for a month.

Still, they come. Odd obsessions, weird cravings for things I normally wouldn't think about. [1] Nail polish -- wouldn't it be great if I went out and got some? (Never mind that my toenails don't warrant that kind of attention...) Mangoes -- are we out? (We never had any to begin with...)

The only problem with these cravings is that any attempts I make to fulfill them are met with a momentous tide of anxiety -- I obsess over whether I can afford this, do I really want it, is this the one purchase that will doom my attempts to save money, which means I will never be able to be able to leave town, which means I will be stuck here for the rest of my life -- all because I weakened and bought a new pen or notebook or whatnot.

The other night, I became completely fixated on a very nicely designed, slipcased copy of The Book of Tea -- a book I've been wanting for awhile, but still, nothing I need right now. I carried it around for an hour, even getting it up to the register, but finally put it back, promising that if I still really wanted it in a week's time, I could come get it. I still want it -- I just don't know if I'm ready to spar with myself again over it.

Now if I could only decide something about dinner. Sweet potato curry. Pad Thai. Shrimp and broth and basil something-or-other. It all sounds so good -- certainly better than anything I have in the house, even the blazingly hot (but good) chickpeas I made for dinner last night. [2] I'm going to keep thinking about this, weighing the pros and cons of going and not going until I give up and go or settle for something around here. I really wish, sometimes, that I didn't have to debate things with myself quite so much. It's really irritating.

[1] Although, I would guess that on an average day, about 2.125 seconds are devoted to thinking about Thai food.