duck-shaped pain

1. I bought the latest issue of the New Yorker and sat down and read it, and it was only sort of okay.

2. My zester broke, so I was forced to go out and buy a new zester just like it.[1] I go to the expensive cooking paraphernalia store in the mall, and demand to see their zesters. "Sorry," the woman tells me, "we no longer carry zesters." I cry. "Why don't you try using a vegetable peeler instead?" she asks. "As long as you're careful to not take any of the white pith off with your zest, you should I okay." I point out to her that I already have a vegetable peeler, and that it isn't worth shit for zest. Then, I leave.

3. My next-door neighbor, Neil Diamond, and I all go shopping for a house. We don't find one, because no one is able to agree on how many palm trees the house we buy should have in front of it. I voted for just the one palm tree, and then nobody would talk to me.

4. I was sleeping in the biggest bed in the world, and it had wheels on it, but it wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't find my feet under the covers, due to their vastness.

5. I had to choose between grated Parmesan cheese that came in the green can and that which came in a plastic tub, and I stood in the grocery store for hours, unable to make up my mind. I ended up buying some raisins instead.

6. I bought a spiral notebook, and every day, it had the same amount of crisp, blank lined paper in it no matter how much I wrote in it the day before. Eventually, I had to take the notebook out in the yard and shoot it because it was creeping me out big time.

[1] Don't assume from this dream that I have a good zester, one worth keeping, let alone replacing with the exact same model. I scorn my zester, as its poorly-thought-out design means that I end up making more thumb zest than anything. I am always looking for ways to get rid of the thing, but nobody else wants it and it seems much too nice to throw away, so I guess I'm stuck with it for now.

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