duck-shaped pain

Annoyed that I agreed to go back to work next week. Annoyed that I put earning money (and not a whole lot of it, mind you) ahead of all the bad feelings that I had in my gut. Annoyed that ever since I made this decision, I've been tense and irritable and almost completely unable to sleep.

Annoyed that I keep spending money on useless crap. I could go without having a job until school started (and even after that) if I'd just stop buying things. I'm not talking about presents or anything Christmas-related, I mean little stuff. Stuff that I can't believe I bought five minutes after it happened. Stuff that didn't even appeal to me at the time, but buying it calmed me down somehow. Annoyed that buying useless stuff has this effect on me.

Annoyed that I don't seem to be able to get anything done. There seems to be this thick mental fog that surrounds me every time I try to accomplish something. Books sit around unread, projects wither from inattention. I've been trying to break through this logjam, to at least have something to show for the last few weeks, but nothing seems to work. I feel like I've been completely wasting my time this vacation, with the exception of the parts of it I spent traveling. I hoped to have something to at least show for my time away, and I don't really have anything. Time seems to be lost in watching TV, reading message boards I never even post to, going to pointless stores, and writing really bad journal entries. I never realize how much time I've wasted until it's too late.

Annoyed that I'm so worried about going back to school next month. I've always been pretty good at school -- better than I've ever been at any of my jobs -- but I keep wondering if, in my time away, that part of me that was good at studying and writing papers has atrophied or fled my body entirely. This seems like such an odd thing to be fretting about -- I keep reassuring myself that I'm going to do fine -- but it�s really important to me to do well. This is more important this time around than it's ever been. I have to compensate for a year or so of not doing very well in college, in order to consider even applying to graduate school (if I decide to go that route) and to get my self-respect back. So I really want to do a good job, but I wonder if it's even possible any more.

Annoyed that I'm so down and depressed and focusing on all these things instead of thinking about better things. Like the fact that I don't have to cook anything for Christmas dinner (after this year's Thanksgiving, I want to steer clear of being in charge of family dinners for a while). My mom and I are going out for dinner that day instead, and we're going to eat all the crab legs and prime rib and eggs Benedict we can, and wash it down with a lot of champagne, and there will be no complaining and neither of us has to clean up or hide out in the kitchen to avoid people we don't want to talk to. This is the way Christmas should be -- relaxing and indulgent. Then I get to hang out with my friend H. for a few days and eat out a lot and do a lot of thrift shopping. I have a job if I want it instead of being out in the cold world of involuntary unemployment. I'll have a degree in a year if things go as planned. I got to go on a lot of trips this year. Despite my purchases of small, useless things, I'm pretty stable financially. I paid off all my credit card debt this year. I got through another season without killing my rosemary plant. Many other things also come to mind, but only when I sit down and actively try to think about them, try to think about, hey, what's good?. If I don't, all I have is this thick grey haze which makes it hard to do anything, to feel anything other than down.

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