duck-shaped pain

Anything man-made in this town is dwarfed by the Scenic Wonder that surrounds the place in all sides. As a result, the whole place at times has an air of resignation, of past architects who just gave up or decided not to even try in the first place. Lots of squat buildings. Warehouses that become churches and then job centers and then auto repair shops and finally warehouses again. Sure, there are a few stately buildings downtown -- remnants from the town's founding, when people were excited and hopeful about staking out a new home out in the goddamn desert. Things went downhill from there.

So, no historical sites, unless you count the replica apple orchard (the real orchards, not far away, are more interesting, but there's no high school student pretending to be a blacksmith for the summer tourist season there). No statues commemorating floods or great migrations or bearded men with peg legs. No great local myth to be proud of. So any tour is going to be more personal than anything.

There's the always popular Places I Threw Up Once tour. Relevant sites include the bathroom at the Arby's at the mall. The sidewalk outside the convention center. My bathroom. Utah. My first-grade classroom.

Or one could sign up for the chance to see all the Houses That Hold Too Many Yard Sales. There will be a lecture and some discussion time with the woman down the road, the one who had a permanent shed and a separate telephone line installed in her front yard for her daily "yard sale." Side trips will be taken to visit the man who runs an antique store out of his garage and the people whose front yard only looks like a yard sale.

The tour I gave M., though, was much less organized. There was no overriding theme, nothing besides Hey, Look What's Over There. He did learn of places that I've vomited and saw the house of the amazing eternal yard sale, but he also got to see the Village Inn I got blacklisted from once [1], several empty fields where things used to be, the bagel shop, the approximate place where Ricky Schroeder's Kegger took place, the wrestling pictures on the walls at the biscuits and gravy restaurant, and several scary local people at the mall.

And, oh yes, we saw Scenic Wonder -- something which I am more or less required by city ordinance to show to all visitors from the East Coast:

Which more than made up for the people at the mall, the oven-like weather and the total lack of landmarks in town.

[1] Forgot to leave a tip once -- that was the official reason. But we all know that the real reason was because I was going there everyday for hours at a time and only buying coffee.

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